Well everyone has a part of them that is 'in the closet'. Something that is not typically normal, or so the society thinks. Something that you want to hide from the rest for the fear of being shunned, ridiculed or even burnt for.
Now this brings me to ask a million dollar question- what is normal? One must agree that what is normal to one is abnormal to the other. Normalcy is highly influenced by society and culture. It is normal to practice polygamy and polyandry in the African cultures. Can you even imagine doing something like that in India? Or in any of the so-called 'civilised' countries for that matter? Well, let us not get into such controversial topics like multiple marriages or abortion. Lets us talk about something very close to me..something that is
in me.
I know that I don't think normal, like anyone else. When my friends played with Barbie dolls, I sat there admiring the beauty of a hooting owl on a full moon. Quite romantic as this may sound on paper (or blog), in reality is not nothing close to that. People though I was weird, abnormal and quite funny. Others though I am doing these shocking things as I'm craving for attention. No one really understood the budding individualist in me.
At this point in time, I live a double life. It is quite hard, I must say as the other side of me often peeps out to the world. It is lethal and it can kill me. But it is also the true me. I hide her, my other self. The one I call Maya. She is an illusion to the outside world as much as it is a reality to my own. She makes me laugh, cry, smile. She makes me
feel.
But what I hate the most is the mask that I must religiously wear everyday. I live under the fear of the mask being ripped apart and thrown naked into the world. This fear is eroding me, like a termite savouring pieces of wood, causing slow and steady damage to the wood. There is no escape as the other end is equally scary- the fear of being ridiculed.
But what can one do if the natural instinct and attraction lies in a place that is deemed a taboo in society? What
can one do when the call comes from a so called taboo? Do you ignore? No, that is not possible. I can't fake disgust when I look at a beautiful piece of gothic art or literature! It gives me a pleasure that is unmatched, unparalleled- sudden yet slow, passionate yet soothing and smooth.
I guess I must make a choice now. I am at the crossroads, unsure of what path to take. As they say, the road less travelled is the more exciting. But it also is a bit scary, when you have to walk alone not knowing the demons lurking just around the corner to pounce on you and rape your individuality. But my individuality is equally molested by the mask I wear everyday. I can't go on like this, being torn by a crocodile on one side and a hyena on the other. I will probably decide something. Something that will free me from this world of misery and sorrow. Something that will lift my spirit and take me to the other world, so that I can finally walk without a mask and smile at things I truly enjoy without having an inner self mocking me at every turn.
