Yoga Diary, Day 5

What an awesome yoga day it was! Day One of the Angamardana programming conducted by the Isha Yoga centre. It started off pretty simple, hand stretching and what not and kept escalating to a great momentum. By the end of it I was fatigued, body aching in places I didn't know existed but thoroughly satisfied. This is the perfect definition of a workout.

The session was for four hours where they teach you 7 standing, 7 sitting/squatting and two lying down poses. The focus is on learning the pose and holding the pose. It wasn't about repetitions or cardio but keeping a pose for longer, doing it slowly in order to really work the parts out.

My back is hurting a little bit now but don't think it was the yoga. Some of the squats and jumps were killer but what's the point if you don't flex and stretch? This was also a great eye opener on how inflexible I have become and how afraid I am to move my body in different ways. It's almost like I'm anticipating a muscle catch or I feel I can't do it. This is a good way for me to let go of these fears and inhibitions and really jump right in.

Go Yoga Power!!

Yoga Diary, Day 4

Ok so I started with the upa yoga routine this morning. It went on quite well. Still struggling to manage the vices though. Succumbed to it today afternoon. Under the spell. Dammit!! Where is the will power and discipline?

Need to improve will power for real. Solar plexus chakra? Where art thou???

Yoga Diary, Day 3

Yesterday was quite an awesome and productive day. Work was smooth as usual. In the evening i went over to do some yoga gear shopping. Tried in different stuff and finally realized that this one brand called Anjali fits me so well. Think I'll be sticking to that.

It was amazing how just changing to the yoga clothes made me feel more active. The right clothes give you the stretch, comfort and support. I would always slip while doing tadasana, the tree pose. But yesterday I could do it for longer because my pant leg wasn't lose and dragging my folded leg down and causing imbalance, not to mention frustration.

So I finished the upa yoga routine plus did some stretching, padmasana and tadasana.

Good stuff :)

Yoga Diary, Day 2

I attended the Upa Yoga program by the Isha foundation yesterday. It was quite interesting. Learnt a few basic poses and breathing technique for overall health and well being. After I finished the class, a series of events transpired that completely changed my state of mind from yoga bliss to utter frustration, anger and hurt.

I carried that forward to this morning as well. Had a bit of a heated discussed with the man. At the end of it I actually felt even worse so I decided to do the upa yoga routine. It didn't change my state in any manner but at least I have a consolation that I completed day 2 of yoga today first thing in the morning so I don't have to worry about slacking behind on the very second day.

About my mental and emotional state - feeling overwhelmed, burdened, lonely, hurt.. like I'm lost in a void and no one can see or hear me. No matter how much I scream, I feel unheard and un-understood. When I try to express my emotions, it gets misunderstood as me blaming someone or me accusing someone when that is not my intent. All that I want is a safe space to express myself and that safe space needs to be conducive for me. If my feelings need to be expressed in a manner that suits someone else's definition of communication, always taking into account their emotions and feelings then again I'm discounting my expression. My expression is not whole, it is chipped and diluted in order to accommodate your needs. So where is my space? Where is my voice?

Also realized that I am PMSing which doesn't help my mental state at all. Let me put this out clear, just because I have hormones that contribute to a heightened sensitivity does not mean that it is a joke. You can not dismiss my emotions and feelings as "just PMS". While the reason may be more biological than mental, it does not make the intensity of what I feel any less. If anything, it makes it worse. But you need to understand that the emotions are very real - as real as the dark pit in my mind that I'm trying to claw myself out of. Bruised knees, broken and bleeding fingernails, hollow cheeks and empty shadows for eyes - it is dark and cold.

I feel unheard, unsupported, un-understood. I feel my efforts are not appreciated,  and because people do not see and appreciate the effort that I am putting in, I feel dismissible.

I feel DISPOSABLE. 

Yoga Diary, Day 1

The problem with being an intelligent human is that you come up with many many reasons to justify the decisions you make. Some of them can be so smart or convoluted that it can even convince you quite successfully. Cognitive dissonance - this has always been my biggest flaw.

I remember as a very young kid, I wasn't all that interested in physical activities or education. I actually had no real interests except watching TV, playing with dolls and just existing. I took dance and music classes which I dropped once it got hard, I went for one karate lesson and gave up as it required physical strain, I was just a mediocre student in school - not great but also never flunked. In short, I was that wallpaper kid who did nothing and for whom nothing ever happened.

Sometime after I changed into a new school I got very interested in studies. Being a TamBrahm there is always pressure to excel but my parents weren't that obsessed about it (they let me just fly by all these years, didn't they). All of a sudden, when I entered 9th grade I genuinely developed an interest in learning. I was actually enjoying studying. Studying, not reading, mind you. It was perhaps this interest that created a natural discipline in my system. I would wake up at 5 am to prepare for the coming day, be back from school by 3 pm and finished my evening snack, nap and homework by 6. I spent about an hour with my friends and was home usually between 7 and 8 to finish dinner and hit the sack at 9pm. This was my routine every single day until I graduated and left my hometown. I was happy, satisfied and utterly fulfilled. I even had an active meditation practice that I followed.

For the first few years at work, I carried on this discipline. I studied the materials, excelled very well and was promoted more often than others. I even finished a counselling psychology certification course which required me to be up and about by 7 am on a Saturday. And then, something switched. It is hard to explain the reasons on a public forum but let us say it was boredom at work, distractions at home, late night partying amongst other vices. Slowly, the discipline faded away and was replaced with lethargy. The only thing I was interested in were substances - nothing more. I developed habits and addictions that drew me further and further away from leading a fulfilling life. I was hit with existential crisis more and more. Every Monday was a drab - when it never was before. Every Friday had to be a house party night. I developed sleep disorders, lost my footing in spiritual practices such as Reiki, energy healing and meditation that always grounded me, stopped reading books which I previously enjoyed immensely, my skin took a turn for the worse and as it always happens, I put on a lot of weight.

The crazy lifestyle got even worse after I moved to a new country - easier access to my vices than in India, more partying and no one to answer to. Slowly I started drifting away and this impacted work. I can see my focus is wavering, my response time is slow, I can't think fast or even if I do, I can't seem to be able to communicate that fast. I am literally forgetting words and struggle to articulate at times. My brain is probably dying. Things need to change.

Yoga - for the last year almost I have been looking up yoga classes in the neighborhood. And coming back to my brilliant mind which can come up with a million excuses why something will not work - I dismissed every class because it was too physically strenuous, I was conscious of my body image especially compared to the thin Asian women, my stamina had plummeted, I didn't have the time, it was too far, I didn't have the right clothes for yoga, it wasn't my style of "authentic yoga" or just a plain, I'll start tomorrow and today I want to chill.

This changes today. Yes today. I always wait for crucial days to start something new (or so I tell myself). "Let's quit X on New Years", "Let's start X on Ganesh Chadurthi", "Tomorrow is Monday and its better to start this then", "Let me enjoy for another few days, I'll start the routine on the 1st of next month" and so on.

Today is not a special day on any calendar except today is the day I turn things around. Today is the day that my self-aware, self-disciplined Higher Self will take over. Enough of reading the theories of yoga, enough of researching about eating healthy, enough of dreaming about the career change I want, enough of promising myself about quitting the vices and changing my lifestyle. The change is happening now.

THE CHANGE HAS HAPPENED.

Nadunisi Naaygal

Before I begin, this is me making it as clear as the English language could possibly allow, that this post is my personal opinion and also contains spoilers.

I was quite thrilled that a new movie in Tamil(!) by a director that I have come to love, Gautamn Menon, was a thriller. Not just any thriller but a psychological thriller. Being an ardent fan of psychological crime movies and TV shows, I was overjoyed. At this point I am going to take time to inform you all that I consider myself the biggest fan of Silence of the Lambs, the movie that shaped my interest and possibly my life as well.

Back to my point, so as overjoyed I was, I couldn't help but watch Nadunisi Naaygal. The movie started off quite interestingly with some good twists but turned out to be more predictable than a Karan Johan film. Was the movie different: yes. Yes, because it was good for a change to see a movie that did not have to do with the hero running on a moving train or spurning out outrageous one-liners. Mind you that I am not snooty to think lowly of commercial cinema. While I do prefer Cannes film selections, I have enjoyed really good commercial movies in the past such as Saamy or Enthiran or Dhool. But Tamil cinema has stooped to a point where I couldn't figure out if a fight sequence happened in one movie or the other. Even the good directors that I have loved since I could understand basic Tamil have let me down. I would watch Naayagan or Anjali or Mouna Raagam or even Alaypayude over and over again, but not Raavanan. Given the state of Tamil cinema, I could say yes, the movie was different.

Was it a 'good' different? Not really. Anyone could walk to work with a clown costume and call themselves different. But it takes more than just a costume to make it tasteful. While the movie does explore a very touchy subject of child sexual abuse (CSA), the way the abuse or the repercussions are portrayed are overly dramatic. Sometimes, saying less is saying so much more. Manirathram understood this. All it takes is probably just a montage, not elaborate scenes. Leave it to your viewers mind, it creates a much higher impact.

Another point that pretty much drove me up the wall - Multiple Personality Disorder. Really??? Again! It was fun and had the desired effect when Shankar did it in Anniyan. But please do not do what Hollywood did to MPD. I confess that I have watched almost all MPD movies in not just English but also Japanese, Korean, Thai etc., which probably makes it hard for me to watch any more of this. However, I must highlight that some of the movies give you a final twist such as The Tale of Two Sisters (Japanese). Nadunisi Naaygal killed it for me. Well it is charming that even 'Meenakshi Amma' is another personality which probably shocked some viewers but nopes, that is not enough to make it enter the wall of fame.

Finally, to imagine that someone compared this movie to Sigappu Rojakkal. You have got to be kidding me! Bharathi Raaja shook Tamil Nadu with the movie. It was intriguing, highly sexual, psychotic and most importantly, a legend. To compare Nadunisi Naaygal to Sigappu Rojakkal is to compare maggi to creme brulee. Even though Kamal Hassan played a sexual psychopath in the movie, I fell in love with him (well, that is the point of a sexual psychopath). Here, the lead actor, as good as he was, did not play the part too well. The movie was twisted, yes.. especially his attraction towards Meenakshi Amma but it somehow lacked the effect that makes a viewer pause for a minute and explore their darkness.. even if it is just for a minute.

Making Pongal..

Today I am going to share the recipe for making pongal. Why pongal? It’s not even Pongal time! Oh well, I was a bit sick last week and the only think I landed up making was pongal and pepper rasam, to beat the fever and cold! Recipe for pepper rasam will follow soon, for now pongal it is! 

Ingredients:

1 cup rice

½ cup moong dal

¼ cup toor dal

50gms peppercorn

1 spoon jeera

A pinch of turmeric powder

Salt to taste

Ghee, if you like

Cashew(optional)

Add the rice and dal together and rinse them thoroughly to remove any dirt. Add 3 to 3 ½ cups of water in the bowl. Pressure cooker them for 7-8 whistles. How many whistles depends a lot on the cooker that you use. So, the rule of thumb is to keep it for 2-3 more whistles than what you would while cooking regular rice.

Once the steam is out, transfer the contents to a cooking pan/tawa. Add a pinch of turmeric and mix well. Meanwhile, add the jeera to the pongal. As you stir, ground some peppercorns and add them. It is always better to add ground pepper corns than pepper powder as it gives a better flavor. Add salt to taste.

Finally, heat some ghee in a separate pan and add the cashews. Once they turn golden brown, you can add it to the pongal and stir. Note: if you are cooking pongal because you fell sick (like Yours Truly), avoid the ghee and cashews. Your aim is to get well soon and not gobble up high fat ghee ;-)