Yoga Diary, Day 5

What an awesome yoga day it was! Day One of the Angamardana programming conducted by the Isha Yoga centre. It started off pretty simple, hand stretching and what not and kept escalating to a great momentum. By the end of it I was fatigued, body aching in places I didn't know existed but thoroughly satisfied. This is the perfect definition of a workout.

The session was for four hours where they teach you 7 standing, 7 sitting/squatting and two lying down poses. The focus is on learning the pose and holding the pose. It wasn't about repetitions or cardio but keeping a pose for longer, doing it slowly in order to really work the parts out.

My back is hurting a little bit now but don't think it was the yoga. Some of the squats and jumps were killer but what's the point if you don't flex and stretch? This was also a great eye opener on how inflexible I have become and how afraid I am to move my body in different ways. It's almost like I'm anticipating a muscle catch or I feel I can't do it. This is a good way for me to let go of these fears and inhibitions and really jump right in.

Go Yoga Power!!

Yoga Diary, Day 4

Ok so I started with the upa yoga routine this morning. It went on quite well. Still struggling to manage the vices though. Succumbed to it today afternoon. Under the spell. Dammit!! Where is the will power and discipline?

Need to improve will power for real. Solar plexus chakra? Where art thou???

Yoga Diary, Day 3

Yesterday was quite an awesome and productive day. Work was smooth as usual. In the evening i went over to do some yoga gear shopping. Tried in different stuff and finally realized that this one brand called Anjali fits me so well. Think I'll be sticking to that.

It was amazing how just changing to the yoga clothes made me feel more active. The right clothes give you the stretch, comfort and support. I would always slip while doing tadasana, the tree pose. But yesterday I could do it for longer because my pant leg wasn't lose and dragging my folded leg down and causing imbalance, not to mention frustration.

So I finished the upa yoga routine plus did some stretching, padmasana and tadasana.

Good stuff :)

Yoga Diary, Day 2

I attended the Upa Yoga program by the Isha foundation yesterday. It was quite interesting. Learnt a few basic poses and breathing technique for overall health and well being. After I finished the class, a series of events transpired that completely changed my state of mind from yoga bliss to utter frustration, anger and hurt.

I carried that forward to this morning as well. Had a bit of a heated discussed with the man. At the end of it I actually felt even worse so I decided to do the upa yoga routine. It didn't change my state in any manner but at least I have a consolation that I completed day 2 of yoga today first thing in the morning so I don't have to worry about slacking behind on the very second day.

About my mental and emotional state - feeling overwhelmed, burdened, lonely, hurt.. like I'm lost in a void and no one can see or hear me. No matter how much I scream, I feel unheard and un-understood. When I try to express my emotions, it gets misunderstood as me blaming someone or me accusing someone when that is not my intent. All that I want is a safe space to express myself and that safe space needs to be conducive for me. If my feelings need to be expressed in a manner that suits someone else's definition of communication, always taking into account their emotions and feelings then again I'm discounting my expression. My expression is not whole, it is chipped and diluted in order to accommodate your needs. So where is my space? Where is my voice?

Also realized that I am PMSing which doesn't help my mental state at all. Let me put this out clear, just because I have hormones that contribute to a heightened sensitivity does not mean that it is a joke. You can not dismiss my emotions and feelings as "just PMS". While the reason may be more biological than mental, it does not make the intensity of what I feel any less. If anything, it makes it worse. But you need to understand that the emotions are very real - as real as the dark pit in my mind that I'm trying to claw myself out of. Bruised knees, broken and bleeding fingernails, hollow cheeks and empty shadows for eyes - it is dark and cold.

I feel unheard, unsupported, un-understood. I feel my efforts are not appreciated,  and because people do not see and appreciate the effort that I am putting in, I feel dismissible.

I feel DISPOSABLE. 

Yoga Diary, Day 1

The problem with being an intelligent human is that you come up with many many reasons to justify the decisions you make. Some of them can be so smart or convoluted that it can even convince you quite successfully. Cognitive dissonance - this has always been my biggest flaw.

I remember as a very young kid, I wasn't all that interested in physical activities or education. I actually had no real interests except watching TV, playing with dolls and just existing. I took dance and music classes which I dropped once it got hard, I went for one karate lesson and gave up as it required physical strain, I was just a mediocre student in school - not great but also never flunked. In short, I was that wallpaper kid who did nothing and for whom nothing ever happened.

Sometime after I changed into a new school I got very interested in studies. Being a TamBrahm there is always pressure to excel but my parents weren't that obsessed about it (they let me just fly by all these years, didn't they). All of a sudden, when I entered 9th grade I genuinely developed an interest in learning. I was actually enjoying studying. Studying, not reading, mind you. It was perhaps this interest that created a natural discipline in my system. I would wake up at 5 am to prepare for the coming day, be back from school by 3 pm and finished my evening snack, nap and homework by 6. I spent about an hour with my friends and was home usually between 7 and 8 to finish dinner and hit the sack at 9pm. This was my routine every single day until I graduated and left my hometown. I was happy, satisfied and utterly fulfilled. I even had an active meditation practice that I followed.

For the first few years at work, I carried on this discipline. I studied the materials, excelled very well and was promoted more often than others. I even finished a counselling psychology certification course which required me to be up and about by 7 am on a Saturday. And then, something switched. It is hard to explain the reasons on a public forum but let us say it was boredom at work, distractions at home, late night partying amongst other vices. Slowly, the discipline faded away and was replaced with lethargy. The only thing I was interested in were substances - nothing more. I developed habits and addictions that drew me further and further away from leading a fulfilling life. I was hit with existential crisis more and more. Every Monday was a drab - when it never was before. Every Friday had to be a house party night. I developed sleep disorders, lost my footing in spiritual practices such as Reiki, energy healing and meditation that always grounded me, stopped reading books which I previously enjoyed immensely, my skin took a turn for the worse and as it always happens, I put on a lot of weight.

The crazy lifestyle got even worse after I moved to a new country - easier access to my vices than in India, more partying and no one to answer to. Slowly I started drifting away and this impacted work. I can see my focus is wavering, my response time is slow, I can't think fast or even if I do, I can't seem to be able to communicate that fast. I am literally forgetting words and struggle to articulate at times. My brain is probably dying. Things need to change.

Yoga - for the last year almost I have been looking up yoga classes in the neighborhood. And coming back to my brilliant mind which can come up with a million excuses why something will not work - I dismissed every class because it was too physically strenuous, I was conscious of my body image especially compared to the thin Asian women, my stamina had plummeted, I didn't have the time, it was too far, I didn't have the right clothes for yoga, it wasn't my style of "authentic yoga" or just a plain, I'll start tomorrow and today I want to chill.

This changes today. Yes today. I always wait for crucial days to start something new (or so I tell myself). "Let's quit X on New Years", "Let's start X on Ganesh Chadurthi", "Tomorrow is Monday and its better to start this then", "Let me enjoy for another few days, I'll start the routine on the 1st of next month" and so on.

Today is not a special day on any calendar except today is the day I turn things around. Today is the day that my self-aware, self-disciplined Higher Self will take over. Enough of reading the theories of yoga, enough of researching about eating healthy, enough of dreaming about the career change I want, enough of promising myself about quitting the vices and changing my lifestyle. The change is happening now.

THE CHANGE HAS HAPPENED.