The problem with being an intelligent human is that you come up with many many reasons to justify the decisions you make. Some of them can be so smart or convoluted that it can even convince you quite successfully. Cognitive dissonance - this has always been my biggest flaw.
I remember as a very young kid, I wasn't all that interested in physical activities or education. I actually had no real interests except watching TV, playing with dolls and just existing. I took dance and music classes which I dropped once it got hard, I went for one karate lesson and gave up as it required physical strain, I was just a mediocre student in school - not great but also never flunked. In short, I was that wallpaper kid who did nothing and for whom nothing ever happened.
Sometime after I changed into a new school I got very interested in studies. Being a TamBrahm there is always pressure to excel but my parents weren't that obsessed about it (they let me just fly by all these years, didn't they). All of a sudden, when I entered 9th grade I genuinely developed an interest in learning. I was actually enjoying studying. Studying, not reading, mind you. It was perhaps this interest that created a natural discipline in my system. I would wake up at 5 am to prepare for the coming day, be back from school by 3 pm and finished my evening snack, nap and homework by 6. I spent about an hour with my friends and was home usually between 7 and 8 to finish dinner and hit the sack at 9pm. This was my routine every single day until I graduated and left my hometown. I was happy, satisfied and utterly fulfilled. I even had an active meditation practice that I followed.
For the first few years at work, I carried on this discipline. I studied the materials, excelled very well and was promoted more often than others. I even finished a counselling psychology certification course which required me to be up and about by 7 am on a Saturday. And then, something switched. It is hard to explain the reasons on a public forum but let us say it was boredom at work, distractions at home, late night partying amongst other vices. Slowly, the discipline faded away and was replaced with lethargy. The only thing I was interested in were substances - nothing more. I developed habits and addictions that drew me further and further away from leading a fulfilling life. I was hit with existential crisis more and more. Every Monday was a drab - when it never was before. Every Friday had to be a house party night. I developed sleep disorders, lost my footing in spiritual practices such as Reiki, energy healing and meditation that always grounded me, stopped reading books which I previously enjoyed immensely, my skin took a turn for the worse and as it always happens, I put on a lot of weight.
The crazy lifestyle got even worse after I moved to a new country - easier access to my vices than in India, more partying and no one to answer to. Slowly I started drifting away and this impacted work. I can see my focus is wavering, my response time is slow, I can't think fast or even if I do, I can't seem to be able to communicate that fast. I am literally forgetting words and struggle to articulate at times. My brain is probably dying. Things need to change.
Yoga - for the last year almost I have been looking up yoga classes in the neighborhood. And coming back to my brilliant mind which can come up with a million excuses why something will not work - I dismissed every class because it was too physically strenuous, I was conscious of my body image especially compared to the thin Asian women, my stamina had plummeted, I didn't have the time, it was too far, I didn't have the right clothes for yoga, it wasn't my style of "authentic yoga" or just a plain, I'll start tomorrow and today I want to chill.
This changes today. Yes today. I always wait for crucial days to start something new (or so I tell myself). "Let's quit X on New Years", "Let's start X on Ganesh Chadurthi", "Tomorrow is Monday and its better to start this then", "Let me enjoy for another few days, I'll start the routine on the 1st of next month" and so on.
Today is not a special day on any calendar except today is the day I turn things around. Today is the day that my self-aware, self-disciplined Higher Self will take over. Enough of reading the theories of yoga, enough of researching about eating healthy, enough of dreaming about the career change I want, enough of promising myself about quitting the vices and changing my lifestyle. The change is happening now.
THE CHANGE HAS HAPPENED.
I remember as a very young kid, I wasn't all that interested in physical activities or education. I actually had no real interests except watching TV, playing with dolls and just existing. I took dance and music classes which I dropped once it got hard, I went for one karate lesson and gave up as it required physical strain, I was just a mediocre student in school - not great but also never flunked. In short, I was that wallpaper kid who did nothing and for whom nothing ever happened.
Sometime after I changed into a new school I got very interested in studies. Being a TamBrahm there is always pressure to excel but my parents weren't that obsessed about it (they let me just fly by all these years, didn't they). All of a sudden, when I entered 9th grade I genuinely developed an interest in learning. I was actually enjoying studying. Studying, not reading, mind you. It was perhaps this interest that created a natural discipline in my system. I would wake up at 5 am to prepare for the coming day, be back from school by 3 pm and finished my evening snack, nap and homework by 6. I spent about an hour with my friends and was home usually between 7 and 8 to finish dinner and hit the sack at 9pm. This was my routine every single day until I graduated and left my hometown. I was happy, satisfied and utterly fulfilled. I even had an active meditation practice that I followed.
For the first few years at work, I carried on this discipline. I studied the materials, excelled very well and was promoted more often than others. I even finished a counselling psychology certification course which required me to be up and about by 7 am on a Saturday. And then, something switched. It is hard to explain the reasons on a public forum but let us say it was boredom at work, distractions at home, late night partying amongst other vices. Slowly, the discipline faded away and was replaced with lethargy. The only thing I was interested in were substances - nothing more. I developed habits and addictions that drew me further and further away from leading a fulfilling life. I was hit with existential crisis more and more. Every Monday was a drab - when it never was before. Every Friday had to be a house party night. I developed sleep disorders, lost my footing in spiritual practices such as Reiki, energy healing and meditation that always grounded me, stopped reading books which I previously enjoyed immensely, my skin took a turn for the worse and as it always happens, I put on a lot of weight.
The crazy lifestyle got even worse after I moved to a new country - easier access to my vices than in India, more partying and no one to answer to. Slowly I started drifting away and this impacted work. I can see my focus is wavering, my response time is slow, I can't think fast or even if I do, I can't seem to be able to communicate that fast. I am literally forgetting words and struggle to articulate at times. My brain is probably dying. Things need to change.
Yoga - for the last year almost I have been looking up yoga classes in the neighborhood. And coming back to my brilliant mind which can come up with a million excuses why something will not work - I dismissed every class because it was too physically strenuous, I was conscious of my body image especially compared to the thin Asian women, my stamina had plummeted, I didn't have the time, it was too far, I didn't have the right clothes for yoga, it wasn't my style of "authentic yoga" or just a plain, I'll start tomorrow and today I want to chill.
This changes today. Yes today. I always wait for crucial days to start something new (or so I tell myself). "Let's quit X on New Years", "Let's start X on Ganesh Chadurthi", "Tomorrow is Monday and its better to start this then", "Let me enjoy for another few days, I'll start the routine on the 1st of next month" and so on.
Today is not a special day on any calendar except today is the day I turn things around. Today is the day that my self-aware, self-disciplined Higher Self will take over. Enough of reading the theories of yoga, enough of researching about eating healthy, enough of dreaming about the career change I want, enough of promising myself about quitting the vices and changing my lifestyle. The change is happening now.
THE CHANGE HAS HAPPENED.
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