Yoga Diary, Day 2

I attended the Upa Yoga program by the Isha foundation yesterday. It was quite interesting. Learnt a few basic poses and breathing technique for overall health and well being. After I finished the class, a series of events transpired that completely changed my state of mind from yoga bliss to utter frustration, anger and hurt.

I carried that forward to this morning as well. Had a bit of a heated discussed with the man. At the end of it I actually felt even worse so I decided to do the upa yoga routine. It didn't change my state in any manner but at least I have a consolation that I completed day 2 of yoga today first thing in the morning so I don't have to worry about slacking behind on the very second day.

About my mental and emotional state - feeling overwhelmed, burdened, lonely, hurt.. like I'm lost in a void and no one can see or hear me. No matter how much I scream, I feel unheard and un-understood. When I try to express my emotions, it gets misunderstood as me blaming someone or me accusing someone when that is not my intent. All that I want is a safe space to express myself and that safe space needs to be conducive for me. If my feelings need to be expressed in a manner that suits someone else's definition of communication, always taking into account their emotions and feelings then again I'm discounting my expression. My expression is not whole, it is chipped and diluted in order to accommodate your needs. So where is my space? Where is my voice?

Also realized that I am PMSing which doesn't help my mental state at all. Let me put this out clear, just because I have hormones that contribute to a heightened sensitivity does not mean that it is a joke. You can not dismiss my emotions and feelings as "just PMS". While the reason may be more biological than mental, it does not make the intensity of what I feel any less. If anything, it makes it worse. But you need to understand that the emotions are very real - as real as the dark pit in my mind that I'm trying to claw myself out of. Bruised knees, broken and bleeding fingernails, hollow cheeks and empty shadows for eyes - it is dark and cold.

I feel unheard, unsupported, un-understood. I feel my efforts are not appreciated,  and because people do not see and appreciate the effort that I am putting in, I feel dismissible.

I feel DISPOSABLE.